JAN SPILLER'S DIARY

Jan Spiller

FEELING AWKWARD

by Jan Spiller

We all have areas in life in which we feel awkward and insecure about expressing ourselves. These areas of inhibition are generally part of ourselves that were not validated in childhood.
 
It is an area of inhibition... generally a part of ourselves that was not validated in our early environment and so we are reticent to express it in adult life. We feel that somehow - if we allow ourselves to reveal this part of ourselves - others will reject us.
 
It may be feelings of “not being good enough” or the notion that “others don’t care about how I feel so I won’t let them know” or “others don’t want to play fair with me so I won’t even ask them to cooperate.” Actually, the individual area of awkwardness can be seen by the sign of the planet Saturn in our natal birth chart.
 
I feel awkward in the area of revealing my feelings. I have the idea that if I communicate an upset or worry, those in my environment will invalidate my feelings or belittle them. So to express an insecurity - given that my subconscious believes that such an action would lead to automatic rejection - is quite awkward and threatening for me.
 
I grew up in a family in which it wasn’t ok to be upset, to be hurt or emotional in any way. Any sign of emotional upset was judged as a weakness in my family and discounted immediately as not having any validity at all. I could blame the fact that I feel so insecure about revealing my feelings on my mother and father and childhood conditioning.
 
However, as an astrologer, I am aware that my Saturn is in Cancer - so I “came on the planet” with inhibitions around the expression of personal feelings. Can I blame my parents? Not really... it's in my birth chart so it’s a karmic, a past life pattern I chose to work on and heal in this lifetime.
 
Regardless if the cause was past lifetimes or past early conditioning, in whatever area we feel awkward, we are challenged to grow. Awkwardness is a symptom of inexperience and can be mastered by sincerely intending to overcome it. 
 
For example, if I feel awkward in public speaking, I can overcome that by taking training courses that gently teach me how to do it. If I feel awkward in playing tennis, I can enroll the help of a trainer to show me how to play. In both cases, gaining experience in gentle and supportive environments dissolves the feeling of awkwardness.  
In my own case with awkwardness in expressing feelings, I am learning that as an adult, I can choose to be in supportive environments. Then by going through the fear and giving a voice to my insecurities the experience of revealing dissolves past awkwardness. Every time I “walk through the fear” and do it anyway, I emerge a little freer and less afraid in every area of my life.
© Jan Spiller