JAN SPILLER'S DIARY

Jan Spiller

TERROR AND TRANSFORMATION

by Jan Spiller

Consistently throughout my life, I have had a reticence and difficulty in truly being myself when I am in a romantic relationship. 

Yesterday I decided to run a new experiment: ‘To be myself - in the context of an intimate relationship.’  The first response I felt to that decision was terror.   Not minor terror- major terror.  It was an absolute conviction that: ‘If I do this, I will die.  I know it.  Running this experiment will kill me.’

Fortunately, I ‘ve had prior experience in bottom-line transformation so I am familiar with this process.  ‘This is how it always feels’ I reminded myself- ‘You feel that if you take this action (this action that terrifies you- and that you know is ‘right action’ in terms of integrity) you will die- physically. 

Absolute certainly on all levels- physical, emotional, experiential certainty.  You know your body will die - you will be embarrassed and not know what to say- and your body will die- right there on the spot.  You will disappear and evaporate into nothingness.’  Actually, it was a bit of a comfort to remind myself that total terror is part of the process of making a deep personal change.

Naturally, the next step was a great deal of prayer.  A person can’t face and willingly walk through the certainty of death without a lot of spiritual help- Guides, Angels, the Infinite... all of it.   Lots of prayer for help: ‘right words’, ‘right ideas’, ‘seeing the right opportunities and seizing them’. 

The prayer work made me feel fortified- that I had lots of angels on my side and somehow they would help me get through it.  So I waited and stayed open, to see what ‘they’ (the Angels/intuition) would show me to do next.  Fortunately, lots of revelations began occurring to me.

Last night I was walking with my boyfriend on the beach.  I was feeling my normal shy, insecure, inhibited self (a part of me that only emerges in romance).  

It occurred to me to investigate something he had said the night before (which had sparked my insecurity) to gain a bigger picture of what he actually meant ... to discover what past experiences he might have had that lead him to the stance I felt threatened by.  

While he was sharing what he meant - how he saw himself as a person - as different from others - my barriers began to melt.  I felt free to be spontaneous and be myself again.

What I learned is that intention is everything.  Once we solidly make up our minds to overcome a troubling inhibition, the power of a defined direction gives us a ‘track to run on’. 

Then the next action becomes obvious.  Running the ‘new experiment’ that occurs to us- counter to our past behavior- opens the door for the healing that comes from making a real change.